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I've stretched myself beyond my means - Ambar
January 9th, 2002
11:58 pm

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I've stretched myself beyond my means


If I were a braver writer, or a better one, or maybe if I'd only had a reasonable amount of sleep, I would take on the task of describing, point by point, what was so suckful about today, as a cautionary tale for myself.

But I'm not, and in any case I am tired, so I'll observe that in the course of experimenting with roast duck for dinner, I foolishly experimented with a recipe of butter cookies... and ate them all. (For the latecomers in the audience, my adolescent binging pretty much disappeared once I moved out of my parents' house... and butter cookies aren't on my diet. To say the least.)

So in the course of feeling lonely and stupid, I called my sweetie who is temporarily on the East Coast, and woke him up, and then claimed I was fine to boot. (I have a damnably hard time asking for help. The worse I need it, the harder it is.)

Sigh. Some days I need a keeper. I thought about calling my other sweetie, but Wednesday is his date night with his wife. Staying off the phone seemed to be the better part of valor.

Forgiving myself for the foregoing isn't working well, either. So I whined online and I have whined here and now I'm going to go to bed on the grounds that at least that can't make things any worse.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed

(10 comments | Leave a comment)

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From:kathrynt
Date:January 10th, 2002 12:05 am (UTC)

Aw hell.

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I know that feeling. The "oh fuck I've totally fucked myself now I had better go and drink myself stupid / eat something I oughtn't / pick a fight with the one I love / fuck somebody I've never met / cut myself up / do whatever self-destructive thing I have the capacity for to prove to myself that I don't deserve anything better."

Well, take it from me. You deserve better. And if you blew your diet today, well, that in and of itself is no horrible sin, frankly. Yeah, it's a bunch of calories and a bunch of carbs you didn't need, but it's also just one day. Part of doing this one day at a time is that tomorrow is, in fact, another day. You made one set of choices today, you can make another set tomorrow. And if you blew your diet as a response to other stuff that was going on, well, that probably wasn't the most helpful choice you could have made for yourself, but you did make it for a reason. Figure out what that reason is and you have a powerful tool to help yourself with.

And if all this sounds like psychobabble and claptrap, feel free to say so, or to blow raspberries at your monitor, or whatever. Suffice it to say that I feel like I have deep empathy for your situation and I'm really very bad at not trying to fix a problem, so I'm sort of flailing about here attempting to help.
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From:tahnan
Date:January 10th, 2002 02:30 am (UTC)

Don't look at *me*...

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...I'm no good at asking for help I need either. Or at not eating without noticing that I'm doing it. Or, in the end, at going to sleep before 5:30 in the morning. Which is more or less to say: you're not alone. And that's the nicest, most comforting thing there is, I think.
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From:lilisonna
Date:January 10th, 2002 05:51 am (UTC)

Sometimes days just suck.

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And sadly, the only thing to do is wake up the next morning, tell yourself that yesterday sucked, today will be better, and go on with things.

Good luck with today being a lot better.
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From:lothie
Date:January 10th, 2002 06:10 am (UTC)
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You don't have to be perfect. *hug*
From:ex_niwi603
Date:January 10th, 2002 07:09 am (UTC)
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You ate some cookies. Cookies are for eating! Don't beat yourself up over it. I know what you're going through but believe me, the agony is not worth it. When you are an old woman, you will not look back and say "why did I eat those cookies on January 9, 2002??"
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From:tourm
Date:January 10th, 2002 08:20 am (UTC)
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Y'know, if your body is used to eating healthily, one day of unthinking self-indulgence won't change anything. If you start back to eating carbs day in & day out, you'll start experiencing cravings & hunger again (a battle I'm currently fighting due to unwise indulgence over the holidays) but I think one day wouldn't hurt, right?
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From:cjsmith
Date:January 10th, 2002 10:53 am (UTC)
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*hugs*

Being human is sometimes a pain in the ass. Every one of us has an Achilles' heel and by golly it'll rear its ugly head on a suckful day when the stress gets high. :-(

Hopefully sleep was good and today is a better day.
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From:kynn
Date:January 10th, 2002 11:27 am (UTC)
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Maybe you'd feel better about yourself if you didn't eat all the cookies next time. Just learn from your mistakes.

(I got tired of everyone saying "IT'S OKAY YOU ATE ALL THE COOKIES" when Ambar knows/feels that she screwed up. It's not necessarily the best thing to excuse all behavior.)

--Kynn
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From:elflet
Date:January 10th, 2002 04:12 pm (UTC)
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I must have known something was up as I woke just in time to hear the phone buzz. It was on vibrator, across the room, and isn't that loud. If you needed to call me late, 'tis fine -- did you know you're on the (very) short list of people who could get me out of a warm bed and onto an airplane at a moment's notice? Sitting in bed and talking on the phone is easy in comparison. :)

RE: having a hard time asking for help, i'm intimately familiar with the state of mind that says "you're so messed up"...and it claims asking for help will only prove its point. All i can do in those cases (hopefully) is have enough sense to know that voice isn't my friend...but i can't count the number of nights i've just crawled into bed instead, wrapped myself around a pillow, and pointed myself into sleeping oblivion.
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From:ambar
Date:January 10th, 2002 05:08 pm (UTC)
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i'm intimately familiar with the state of mind that says "you're so messed up"...and it claims asking for help will only prove its point.

No, I don't even get that far, as a rule. The thought in my head is not "I need help," but "I'd really like to talk to someone," and the help notion won't even surface until a safe space is established, which requires a certain amount of conversation. Otherwise the defenses don't come down.
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