Ambar (ambar) wrote,

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What good are notebooks? / They won't help me survive.

Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time.
My chest is aching and it burns like a furnace
The burning keeps me alive.

Schedule for winter quarter has finally been published. It looks like my best bet is Mammalian Physiology, followed by Neurobiology -- both MWF lecture classes, one right after the other. If I am willing to add 2 more commutes per week (not to mention being late for work those two days), I could swap Environmental Microbiology for one of those, and gain a known-quantity excellent instructor instead of an unknown quantity.

I will probably opt for the lazy commute and fewer explanations at the office, but I am not looking forward to Neuro. On the other hand, it's my last quarter; the end of the mad project I began in Winter 2003 (holy crap! three years!) is finally in sight.

Which reminds me of a conversation I was having with one of the physical therapists last week, who was saying that he liked "practical stuff", but had a hard time with biology and chemistry courses. "I had to work harder in those to get the grades I wanted."

The statement seemed so alien to me that I remembered it. What I seem to have been doing here instead is:

1) Schedule the impossible.*
2) Work to exhaustion. Fall over. Get up. Repeat.
3) Detach completely from the grades I earn. There is no 'work harder' available in the system. You have done all you can; let the rest be.

Ambar circa 1985 would not recognize me now. But I'm a whole lot saner than she was.

[*See particularly September-December 2003, where I was half-way through the semester before I worked out that job->school->home, plus commutes, left maybe 5 hours for sleep 4 days a week. Semesters go on too long in any case, but that was a particularly vivid walking nightmare.]

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