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what makes this work - Ambar — LiveJournal
October 2nd, 2001
02:48 am


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what makes this work
(an outtake from the last 36 hours)

What makes this work for me, I said, is two things. First, that I can ask you for clarification about your limits or desires or ideas, and get an answer that isn't a defensive, knee-jerk reaction to being questioned. It's important to me to honor your limits. I hold myself responsible, on my honor, (that's not a word that appears in my vocabulary often, but it's the right word) never deliberately to put you in a position where you have to safeword out in order to protect your primary commitment. (You have a safeword, because mistakes happen. But it would be wrong of me to demand that you give me something that you told me up-front was off limits.)

Second, what sets me free to explore these things with you is that I feel zero pressure from you to know everything, to execute perfectly, to be Super-Top. That's a rare state for me, not because other people in my life pressure me, but because I pressure me. Somehow in your presence that discomfort is gone, and with the pressure off, what we do is truly play, with the abandon of children and the knowledge of adults.

Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: Oysterband, "When I'm Up (I Can't Get Down)"

(6 comments | Leave a comment)

[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2001 09:21 am (UTC)
I love watching this.
[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2001 10:11 am (UTC)
Voyeurism? *giggle*

People's reactions have ranged from supportive to urgent calls for insulin. Normally, I'd be shy (coy?) as anything about it all, but I'm learning there's nothing wrong with letting this all hang out...
[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2001 10:39 am (UTC)
Well, I love watching it because, when I was in the scene, there were so few people who REALLY knew what they were doing. I like to think I was one of them, but that's in the past now. Still, it's nice to watch you two for that reason.
[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2001 12:13 pm (UTC)
Part of me, Lothie, is flattered. Thank you. :)

Part of me is giggling madly. I really don't feel as if I know all that much about what I'm doing. At least when it comes to technical aspects of What It Is That We Do, I'm still wobbling around on my sky-blue bike with the training wheels and the banana glitter seat. :-)

When it comes to love, of course, the training wheels are off (training wheels aren't much use on an F-16), but that doesn't have much to do with being in the scene.


[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2001 12:56 pm (UTC)
But I think that's the point. So many people thought it was about the trappings and the leather and the technique and all that crap. They didn't understand that it was about courtesty, respect, and love.

You both do -- so it's a pleasure to watch. And I guess I'm a little envious, though not enough to go back to it myself.
[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2001 12:57 pm (UTC)
The "F-16" may not have much to do with other people's "scene", but I suspect it's integral to ours.

I keep having this image of placing an instrument in your hands, at home, where nobody else is listening. All that matters in that moment is the music played for yourself and how the instrument responds to your touch. If noodling around pleases you, that's wonderful. If you decide to study Bach concertos, that's wonderful too.

Granted, I'm a person, not an inanimate object. But the part that fulfills so deeply is the being open, and vulnerable, and oh-so responsive.

Yet not just "responsive". Yours is the melody; mine is the harmony, the descant, the counterpoint. It's an active feeling, embracing, adding my essence, and sharing back. We both love to carry the other to flight; my flight just happens to involve struggling up-close-and-personally.

So I say "feh" to the technical aspects. *giggle* With our energy, we're already turning heads (not stomachs) and are just getting started.

*c'mon, elf-boy, remember to breathe...*

P.S. An F-16 with glitter, tassels, and a banana seat?
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