Ambar (ambar) wrote,
Ambar
ambar

  • Mood:

'tis the season for self-analysis

...or something.

I think in my case that it's the result of a collision between spending this past week consulting for Ponte, and taking up with a personal coach. The work at Ponte is giving me a powerful feeling of achievement, of things looking up. Beginning work with Molly is causing me to pull out the goals list and think about what I want. What I really want, that is, as opposed to what I say I want or what other people assume I want or what it feels safe to tell people I want. As always, it's remarkably liberating and a touch scary.

Distinguishing between what I really want and what I think I want is not as simple as I might wish. Take, hmm, "Own a horse farm which operates on a break-even basis," which has been on the goals sheet for years. Now, this is on the list because I love horses and like to spend time with them. Or do I? Yes, Capucine and Petit Point are both out being bred (still! sigh), but I have a perfectly decently trained riding horse right here, Julian. Am I spending time with him? No. Hell, the cats get more time from me than he does, and I know that I am done with the cat showing/breeding routine. The horse-crazy me of age 9, or the horse-training me of 14, simply wouldn't understand it. I'm not sure me at almost-35 understands it, either, but them's the facts.

I spent a couple hours this evening making a divine mess in my kitchen, and was rewarded with lovely slices of duck breast in a pan sauce, plus cracklings from duck skin (and a whole lot of duck fat, safely stored in the fridge), plus duck wings and legs, smeared with mustard and roasted (not quite as successful, but still tasty; I'm just not happy with Atkins Bake Mix as a breading), plus duck stock which should come off the stove now.

The lovely and talented elflet is off to France for a week. And thus, I write.
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